Separation/Divorce: “Raking Over the Coals”

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

The phrase ultimately came to be used as an idiom to express an unwritten “pact of forgetting” in which both sides agreed not to stir up or rehash old business and to let bygones be bygones. In other words, things are done with and ought to be allowed to rest or be forgotten.

The other phrase was to “haul someone over the coals.” This time the implication is that the coals are hot and the intent is to give someone a hard time, to hurt or punish them. It’s actually a rather unpleasant image and connotes a feeling of revenge.

Somewhere along the line the original meaning (let bygones be bygones) has been co-opted by the second. When and where the meaning of “rake someone over the coals” morphed into “haul someone over the coals” implying that one is out to destroy the other, leave them with little or nothing and hence, humiliate and devastate them (ouch!), remains a mystery.

So let’s explore this newly (mis)understood intent. New York State is an equitable distribution state and as such the goal is to divide everything fairly and equitably. The concept is to arrive at a place where both parties have divided their assets and debts in such a way, that neither is living “high on the hog” while the other lives in a “cardboard box.” Therefore, the idea that one person is going to “rake the other over the coals”, is a misstated perception because whatever the couple accrued during the marriage is marital property which will be divided equitably. There is usually one pool of money from which everything gets divided, so though you may feel the desire to “rake your spouse over the coals,” it is really a self-defeating concept.

Let’s face it, no matter how upset and angry you may be with your soon to be ex-spouse, do you really want the children to see one parent suffering? Regardless of how you may feel about your former partner, they are still a parent to your children and have the same parental needs and rights as you do. Moreover, placing the children in the middle of a contentious battle over money is just plain wrong. Both parents need to be able to provide for the children and if one parent is struggling financially, it puts an undue burden on them. Kids need to be kids and not referees. Nor do they need to worry where their next meal is coming from or take on the role of emotional caretaker to the potentially non-monied spouse.

Even in mediation, which is certainly a benign approach to a separation, when it comes to money, things can get hot and discussions can turn into arguments. By stepping back and taking the long view of the situation, understanding the necessity for financial stability for both parties and keeping in mind the best needs of the children, we can forge a consensus that reflects the true meaning of “raking over the coals.”