The Bar Mitzvah Cease Fire

{3:24 minutes to read}  A dear friend and colleague recently shared the experience of his grandson’s Bar Mitzvah with me. It was an occasion that brought much joy to him and his family. With utter pleasure and pride he regaled me with stories.

But what intrigued me the most was his amazement about how the entire day went given the multiple divorces there had been in his family. It occurred to me in his telling that there was a lesson in there — especially for extended families on the other side of divorce.

For those of you who don’t know what a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is, it’s the Jewish coming of age ritual for boys (Bar) or girls (Bat). A Mitzvah is a “good work; a truly virtuous, kind, considerate, ethical deed.” It’s a big deal. The temple service is typically followed by a big party to celebrate the occasion which is often quite an affair.

And so the story went that my friend, who is divorced from his first wife and remarried, has a son (the Bar Mitvah boy’s dad) who is also divorced from his first wife and remarried… not to mention a slew of other close family members who are also divorced and either re-married or not — all sitting together in temple during the service, then holding hands and dancing the Horah (traditional Israeli circle dance) together at the party afterwards!

As he was describing the scene, I was thinking: “OMG — the in-laws; the out-laws; ex-wives; ex-husbands; step-parents; step-children; the new families; the extended families; the ones who may still be harboring ill feelings; the ones who have healed and moved on… all in one room, all gathering for a grand, special occasion to not only celebrate a coming of age for this young man, but as the family elders in the room, setting an example. How the heck did THAT go!?”

Well, in fact, it went VERY well. My friend, in frank bemusement and delight, recounted how everyone just came together and behaved like the adults they were, burying whatever hatchets may still have been poised for battle.

There is life after divorce and sometimes it takes a great occasion like this Bar Mitzvah or even a funeral to finally put things in perspective and just let the ill feelings go. Life is short. Eat dessert first as they say.

So for those of you who are in the throes of your separation and/or divorce and can’t even imagine that you will get through this somehow or even reach a point where there will actually be joy in your life, please remember this story.

It is possible.

It is MORE than possible.