The Marriage Autopsy

{3 minutes to read}  Perhaps this seems like a rather bleak way to start the new year but you may want to reconsider that notion. After all, everyone likes to start fresh once January 1st arrives and what better way than to take an accounting of ourselves and our relationships so we can begin the new year with as clean a slate as possible. Ready?

This article was inspired by a friend who signed her divorce papers in December. This was a second marriage for her and her former husband (I’ll call them Jane and John). The divorce was never something Jane wanted, but it was clear to her after his affair became apparent and he was unwilling to do anything about it, that there was no other option for her but to pursue a separation, and ultimately, a divorce. I was glad to know they did it through mediation and at least saved her the headache of an expensive and protracted ordeal.

Nevertheless, it was a very arduous decision for Jane as she didn’t see any of this coming and it threw her for a loop. But Jane had done her work in terms of doing what I call the “marriage autopsy.” She worked with a therapist and allowed herself to look at all aspects of what happened, including her role in the demise of the marriage. It is so important to be self-reflective. This has nothing to do with blame. It is a difficult, but I think important process, that gives one clarity and finally, closure.

On the day of the signing, she recounted to me that when they saw each other, John asked her if she was sure they should be doing it. He was clearly having second thoughts. He had already put her through hell. She had finally accepted the situation, had moved out of the marital home, and was starting to put her life back together. Then, he hits her with his second guessing which she admitted pulled her up short.

Thinking there might be a sliver of a chance to NOT do it, she asked him how that would affect his “girlfriend.” John became angry at her for even bringing it up. Case closed. Any second thoughts she may have had were abandoned at that moment. Everything she needed to know about him and her final decision to end this chapter of her life was complete.

It’s not uncommon to second guess ourselves. I think it’s a necessary check and balance kind of thing. To dwell too much in second guessing is not good – it can be paralyzing. But because she had done the marriage autopsy, she was able to take ownership of herself and ultimately her decision to move on. She signed the papers and left.