There Is NO Oz

{Read in 2:53 minutes} Oh, if only there were, then life would be great, right? I’m not so sure. There are times in our lives when we all harbor the fanciful idea that there is a magical “all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful” entity out there who will wave his or her wand and make everything okay for us.

Those times are often when we feel that things are out of our control, beyond our ability to set the course to rights, have our way, convince the perpetrator in our lives to behave or act a certain way … pick your situation. The bottom line here is that we live in what I call the “hope/lucky” world where somehow, someway, someone will make our “boo boo” all better.

In the world that I inhabit, mediating separations and divorces, there are times that I’ll hear one spouse, in a fit of total frustration, spout the line: “We’ll see what a judge has to say about THAT!”

First of all, the likelihood that a judge is even going to hear your case is extremely slim. And more importantly:

• Are you willing to put your life on hold for the next 2 to 3 years, waiting for the judge’s decision?
• Are you willing to bear the tremendous financial cost of having your attorney prepare for trial?
• Are you prepared for the good chance that you will settle “out of court” before your case even gets to the judge, despite having laid out all your hard-earned money for a trial that never occurs?

And here’s the biggie: Do you really think that the judge is OZ? That he or she will make it right? Unlikely. If the judge makes everything right for YOU, what about your soon-to-be-ex-spouse? You say you don’t care, but consider this … the judge could side with your soon-to-be-ex—and that means that YOU are the odd man/woman out. Could happen. Then what?

There is NO Oz.

Just like the story, there is no wizard behind the curtain. Dorothy and her friends had to find their own way to their heart’s desire. And that is what we do in mediation. Slog through it together—into the dark forest, over the poppy fields, past the castle guards … and finally into the light of day and home.

A number of years ago, I attended a Suffolk County Matrimonial Bar Association holiday event. By pure chance, I ended up sitting at the judges’ table during dinner. I came to find out later that I had engaged in a conversation with one of the most beloved and respected matrimonial judges.

One of the things he shared with me was his wish that more couples mediated their divorces rather than try to find solutions in the judicial system. He also revealed his despair about what people expect from the courts, the judge. After all, he said, these are people’s families and so much is at stake.

And this was the line that struck me and stuck with me all of these years: “All I am is a man in a big black robe, wielding a blunt instrument on this family. I do the best I can, but it’s never enough to make this family whole.”

There is NO Oz.