Thoughts on Pre-Cana and How it Relates to Mediation – Part 2

Part 1 of this series talked about the Pre-Cana classes required by the Catholic Church and proposed the question of whether this would be a good idea for all couples contemplating marriage. A friend, who teaches a Pre-Cana class invited me to speak to her class.

Interestingly, I had quite a bit of feedback from that first article. Apparently, it hit a nerve and I think a good one.

I was heartened to hear the robust responses that I received by email as well as people who called me to talk about it. I heard from mediators (of course), matrimonial attorneys, family therapists, and teachers of the Pre-Cana classes as well as the general population of people who have been there, done that, and had their valuable two cents to put in. As a result of this, additional thoughts came to my mind that I’d like to share before I address the ideas I have about how I plan to approach the Pre-Cana class in January.

A number of years ago after my own divorce, I was sharing a house on Fire Island with a wonderful group of people. Although my former husband and I had been separated for two years, the ink on the final divorce decree was only 4 months dry when I ventured out on my own that summer. I remember sitting on the beach with some of the women in the house. None of them had been married before and at that time, none of them were in a committed relationship, so naturally the conversation turned to men, relationships, marriage and the like.

I remember listening to them talk about what they were hoping for in a mate:

• He had to look like this.
• He had to have this kind of career.
• He had to drive this type of car.
• He had to live in Manhattan or Westchester.
• He had to be child-free.
• He had to make this amount of money.

The list went on and on. On the face of it, I understood completely, recalling my own pre-marriage wish list of what he had to be, had to have, had to do, etc. But I remember thinking that my list, now that I was hopefully a little wiser, was more on the scale of what I DIDN’T want the next time out. It would be great to have everything on the wishlist, but I was more attuned now to the deal breakers.

In anticipation of writing this article, I started asking people if they had ever given any thought to what a deal breaker was for them. One of my favorite answers was this one – “Teeth,” she said with a laugh. “If he has bad teeth, that tells me everything I need to know about his personal hygiene and how he takes care of himself. Bad teeth – the deal is off!”

But what about those things you really, really, really think are important on the front end of a relationship – things that can be superficial at best (like the wish list above)? Eventually you find that they pale after a few years when, for example, your mate proves to be not so great in a crisis. In fact, he/she not only drops the ball completely because of his/her inability to cope, but leaves you carrying your ball, his/her ball and everything in between. What, at the beginning of the relationship, felt charming and made you feel like the “good one” may get old after a while. Can you catch yourself and self-reflect before you jump in that frying pan?

In Part 3 of this series, I will expand on my insights of marriage from the divorce perspective and what I’ll be focusing on in the Pre-Cana class. For example, how various issues should be weighed and compared to that of a potential mate. What are the deal breakers? How much are you willing to compromise? What issues are worth taking a stand for and which ones are not?

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.