Unintended Consequences

Unintended Consequences: This seems to be the new buzz word/expression these days. We’ve been hearing this with respect to the government shutdown, the sequester, the debt ceiling, etc. So I thought I would take a crack at it and tie it to what happens when couples have an acrimonious split and demonstrate the opposite effect of a potential positive outcome.

The word ‘consequence’ is a neutral term. It is neither good nor bad. It comes from the Latin meaning “with what follows.”

There was a fascinating article in The New Yorker Magazine in the June 24th issue titled, “The Gift of Doubt”.  It was a book review by journalist and author Malcolm Gladwell, on the biography of economist Albert O. Hirschman titled, The Odyssey of Albert O. Hirschman by Princeton historian Jeremy Adelman. The thrust of the article was twofold:

1. If we knew when we embarked on a journey/task/assignment etc. what obstacles and trials were to come, we would probably never get out of bed in the morning!
2. Often the unexpected change in circumstances, once we commit to them, propels us to see it through and thus, we discover something so new, so novel, so unexpected, that more often than not, the trajectory of our own experience and perhaps humanity, is changed for the better.

In this scenario the unintended consequence is the good news.

What I want to explore here is what happens when those results turn out to be something that you would rather NOT have happen, and that we can be the masters of our own destiny by directing the outcome through our intentions, our will, and our ability to conceive the larger picture.

I am acquainted with two people, whom I’ll call Mary and John. Mary and John are now in their early 60s and have been divorced for a number of years. They have three grown sons – the two older ones are married and the oldest one now has a delightful one-year-old baby girl.

I understand that they had quite a dramatic and rancorous split. I didn’t know them at that time, but I heard the stories. I met them when they were already divorced from each other and each was about to remarry. From what I have seen, these new marriages are very happy ones.

However, Mary and John still cannot be in the same room with each other, which now poses a big problem. At their oldest son’s wedding, Mary left early. There was some brouhaha with John’s family and she flew out of the reception so hastily and abruptly, that she didn’t say goodnight to anyone. Then the baby came. Because John and his wife were attending the baby blessing, Mary did not come. At Thanksgiving, because Mary and her husband were going to be there, John did not come. Then the baby’s first birthday party arrived and because John and his wife were attending the party, Mary did not come. And so it seems to be going. These are the unintended consequences of this acrimonious divorce.

When I work with my couples about parenting issues, I often ask them how they see their future. When you consider all the family events that inevitably come along:

• Birthdays
• Confirmations
• Bar or Bat Mitzvahs
• Sweet Sixteens
• Graduations
• Engagement parties
• Weddings
• Christenings or baby blessings
• Funerals
• Holidays of all sorts and kinds

The question is – how are you going to handle these events when they arrive? Are you going to punish yourself and your children by not participating in these important family occasions?

This is not to judge Mary and John. Obviously, they feel totally justified in feeling what they feel for whatever the reasons are that brought them to this time and place. But it’s sad, that’s all. It’s sad for their children; it’s sad for their grandchildren; it’s sad for them.

Over time, when parents continue to opt out of these significant family celebrations, the unintended consequences are that everyone misses out.

Comments & Replies from Social Media
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I was just addressing this very issue today with a client. It is somewhat unfortunate that we do not have the gift of foresight. Remember who you sleep with may be the person you will have to share special occasions with for the rest of your life. Hurt People, HURT people! Adults have not come to understand that their desire to strike back at their former partner causes great unrest and misery for the child. Children will feel pulled and torn over whom they should respond to, whom should they invite etc. All children want is the love of both parents. I have had my ex-husband at many special occasions, including at my home. I don’t like him particularly and I do my best to keep my distance, BUT, we are parents and we have 7 grandchildren so we will always be connected. That is the point, that person you sleep with may be the person you will be connected to for the rest of your life whether you want to or not. Be adults, be responsible, be nurturing, let go and live, love and laugh, especially with your children.

By Rosemary F. (via LinkedIn)

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Thank you, Ada, for this well written and thoughtful article. Human interaction often produces unintended consequences and in mediating divorces it is our job to help clients visualize the possibilities in store for them. New buzz or old, I always ask then to consider those events in their future and how they would like them to proceed. When the children are still young, it is a little more difficult to think of college graduation and weddings, so we try to focus on more immediate events like birthdays and holidays followed by projections of later events to be shared for the benefit of their children

By Joyce Mitchell (via LinkedIn)

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Great article. Mediation is so helpful to help couples move apart in a healthy manner. I believe that it’s a much better approach than litigation. And better for the individuals so they can work on recovery and healing for their New Beginnings.

By Cindy Elwell, Divorce With Dignity Network (via LinkedIn)