We Have To Talk

Are there any four words in the English language that we dread hearing more than those? Well, I can think of a few more, but in terms of a relationship, these words truly strike at our hearts. The things that probably come to mind almost immediately are:

1. Something is wrong
2. Something is wrong with me
3. Something is wrong with us
4. Something is just plain wrong

And you’re usually right. “We have to talk” will most likely bode ill for whatever comes afterwards. I would say that it probably doesn’t come as a surprise to the person hearing these words, but the reality that “the talk” is about to happen quickens your pulse, makes your heart race, and can take your breath away.

I would posit that the subject of the “talk” rarely comes out of left field. We humans have an incredible capacity for self-denial.

• We know that we need to lose weight and yet we go for that second helping of ice cream.
• We know that we need to exercise and yet we forestall that walk around the block because it looks like it’s about to rain.

Despite the reality that the marriage has hit the rocks and may have come to an inevitable end, our undisputed ability to ignore it, deflect it, deny it comes to the fore. But that doesn’t mean it’s not lying in wait at the bottom of our psyches, about to emerge for good upon being confronted with “we have to talk.”

When I do an initial phone intake with a potential client (who is typically the “initiating” spouse), I ask my usual general questions to get a sense of their situation, and then I always ask:

“Is your spouse on board with the separation and/or ready to meet for a consultation to discuss the mediation process?”

I find that more often than not, there has not been a clear cut discussion about it yet.

Amy* and John* may have danced around the subject of separation during a particularly divisive argument or one of a series of on-going quarrels. And although Amy will say that her decision to separate will not come as a complete surprise to John, the fact is that neither of them has really addressed the possibility in any concrete way.

And it’s no wonder why this conversation may not have occurred yet. The issue of

1. When to say it,
2. How to say, and
3. Where to say it

is rife with so many consequences that Amy is hoping that John just “gets it” without having to spell it out specifically. As difficult as it is for John to hear it, it’s just as difficult for Amy to say it.

Sometimes nothing has to be said or spelled out, but usually it doesn’t work that way. And this brings us to the when, the how and the where to have this most important conversation. In the next article, I’ll outline how to approach this nerve-racking and difficult task.

Are you thinking about separation or divorce? Have you had “the talk?”

* Not actual persons

Social Media Comments

Ha, the last time someone said that to me, it was my son who proceeded to tell me he wanted to enlist in the Marine Corps instead of go straight to college! Turned out to be a good decision for him. And 2 years later, I am almost over the shock. Sometimes there is good news that follows those words.

Susan Yates

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Normally, “we have to talk” is followed by the party hearing those words going on the defense. They usually fear the worse. Sometimes it can be a good thing. But more often than never as it relates to mediation it means the parties are not “there yet.

Darlene Williams

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Geez, last time I heard those words, what followed was a description of how my department was being restructured out of existence and I’d be out of a job in 30 days. Completely understand the dread factor!

Thomas Thornberry

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In my experience, the phrase, “We have to talk” is spoken by a person that has recognized a conflict and has gathered the courage to express their feelings. The request should not be ignored or dismissed as it is a signal that at least one person needs to express their feelings and emotions about a subject matter that the other(s) person may not know or understand exists.

Gary Kloepfer

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We have to talk automatically for me means, this is not good. It’s all about the presentation and delivery of good and/or bad news. Look in the mirror, how would you want to be approached? Approached with the concept of this is how I can remain open with out walls going up or conflict ensuing.

Michelle Kruse

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High ‘dread factor’ for me. Right up there with “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” So, I really appreciate it when someone who says this follows it with a bit of information about the “what” it is that needs discussing–being blind-sided is as much of a downer as being filled with dread. The comments here are great!

Kim Rich

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No, there’s no more dreaded words to the husband no matter what the topic. I’ve never heard that sentence followed by: “We just won the lottery. What’s your suggestion of a good tax lawyer?”

Brian Lysaght

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I believe that this began in our childhood when our parents would say “we have to talk”. We knew that it was sheer dread as we had been found out and now had to face the consequences of our actions. As married adults the “we have to talk” means again the feeling of dread. A discussion may occur that there are problems in the marriage, space is needed and possibly suggesting that divorce is eminent. Even in an employment situation all one can think of is either layoff, cut in pay or even being fired. Not pleasant at the least. My reaction is fear!!! These words have followed me throughout my life!! As a trained mediator I am not as fearful as I once was. I no longer avoid but rather anticipate collaboration and encourage this with others!! As a professional I consider myself a peacemaker, a very serious position, to pass forward and give others the strength to fond the peace that they need.

Sharon Egleston

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Recognizing our capacity for self-denial is the first step (albeit a big one) towards taking responsibility and ownership of our actions, decisions and the results.

Carolann Mazza