When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other? Part 1 – The Scenario

{3:56 minutes to read} Of all the issues that come up in mediation, there is probably not a single one that is rife with more consternation, complexities, consequences, and what I call “heavy-osity,” than this question. It’s a big, fat, loaded hot-potato, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of catching it. For a myriad of reasons, it’s a virtual land mine if the parties don’t see eye-to-eye on how to address this issue and ultimately resolve it. The minute one of the parties brings it up, I start buckling my seatbelt.

Why is this topic so fraught with emotion, worry and possible ego-deflating potential? Well, imagine this:

Your soon-to-be ex is already dating Sally* and he hasn’t even moved out of the house yet. Moreover, you believe he lied to you about the relationship when you asked if everything was okay between the 2 of you. So not only is your world upside down and inside out to begin with, but this new person comes right out of left field. A sucker punch to be sure.

Now you are sitting in mediation, already overwhelmed and daunted by the prospects of separating, maybe having to move to a new home in a new school district, wondering when the right time would be to tell the children about this huge event that’s about to happen to you, to them, to all of you… and suddenly you have to deal with what you feel is a totally inappropriate and untimely issue.

But your soon-to-be-ex is pushing his agenda that the children should meet Sally, and right away. After all, he continues, he’s going to be moving in with her, and the sooner the kids meet her, the more adjusted they will be when that time comes.

To add insult to injury, he claims it’s your fault he has to move in with Sally, because the child support is going to kill him, and he needs to share his living expenses in order to be able to pay it.

And before you have a chance to refute that indictment, he further makes the case that the kids will love Sally. She has young children the same age as yours. He proceeds to paint a “Brady Bunch” scenario as you choke on tears of utter rage at his unmitigated gall in already deciding that this is the way to go.

When you manage to squeak out your response to this, he goes on to accuse you of being jealous of his new relationship and not even thinking of the children – only of yourself.

Get the picture? Not every situation is quite like this, but close enough. And this is not gender specific.

Regardless of which parent it is, the critical question is: “How can this be done in a way that works for both parents and what you both deem will ultimately be in the best interests of the children?” Checking your egos at the door is mandatory.

Next – Part II, The 5 essential questions you may want to ask yourself as you navigate this issue.

*Not a real person

Comments from Social Media

Interesting article and scenario Ada! Yes, divorce proceedings are often wrought with discord, hurt-feelings, and malcontent for the other. In this particular scenario, it appears that the (soon-to-be-ex) is making this decision for financial reasons primarily! Money is often a functional side-effect of divorce, and thus choices and decisions may be altered to what they may otherwise choose in perfect conditions.

J. Craig