When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other? Part 2 – The 5 Questions to Ask Yourself

{5 minutes to read} So, back to the scenario I described in my previous article:

Your soon-to-be ex is pushing for the children to meet his new significant other, Sally* – as soon as possible. You are outraged at his temerity in bringing this up while you are still reeling from the revelation of your impending separation. You can’t believe this is such a sticking point for him,  AND he wants your answer right away.

Sally is the divorced mother of your children’s friends, and, of course, they know her in the ways that children know any other adult around them. Unless there is a specific reason for them to pay attention to Sally, she’s just another mother in a circle of mothers in the school, at the playground, on the soccer field on Saturday afternoon. Basically, unless she shows up with chocolate chip cookies – she’s invisible.

But now, all of a sudden, Sally comes into view. She is spending time with Dad when Dad is with the kids. They go with her and her kids to the playground, theme parks, the beach. Depending on their ages, they may or may not ask Dad direct questions about what’s going on, but they know something is. Kids are intuitive, and they know stuff. Stuff you would rather they didn’t know… but they do.

So they don’t ask Dad. They come home and ask Mom! Now the onus is on her to tell them something she doesn’t really know about, per se, and once she does know, doesn’t agree with. Moreover, she’s blindsided and trying to give the best explanation she can on her own, with her heart heavy with despair and concern for the children.

She tells Dad what the kids asked or what they said, but Dad doesn’t want to hear it. She’s stuck, he’s obstinate… quite a conundrum.

There are no easy answers here, and I’m not going to offer any. What I am going to do is suggest the 5 questions that I think are important for YOU to ask yourself before you embark on the path of introducing your new paramour to the kids:

1. Is the time really right… right now? Can it wait a little while until the children have time to digest the new family reality, their new home, their new school, the fact that they are not seeing Dad in the regular way anymore? Do they need to share you with someone else… right now?
2. Does this new relationship have a real potential (like really) for a future? The children are already suffering a separation and loss, no matter how much you think they’re “fine.” If they get close to Sally and your relationship with her ends, they suffer yet another loss.
   • If the relationship is real and solid, another few months (or whatever time it may take for the children to adjust) isn’t going to kill you. What’s the rush? That little extra time may make all the difference for the children, their acceptance of Sally and, ultimately, your relationship with them.
3. Are you doing this to “stick it to your ex?” Be honest! This is not the time to rattle your sabers at each other. You are the adults. You are their parents. You are their authority figures. Act like it. They’re watching… and learning.
4. What is really and truly in your children’s best interests? You know your children better than anyone else. What are their ages, their temperaments and personalities? How are they going to react to all this newness you have both already introduced into their lives? Is this going to add a benefit or be a detriment?
5. Truly – are you thinking of yourself or your kids? Are you thinking of yourself first and the kids second? The entire family is going through a monumental shift. As adults, you’ll get over it all soon enough. But kids? Not so fast.

*Not a real person